Dragon Slayer

There’s a dragon on my doorstep,
He’s mating with my car.
If my Mercedes ends up pregnant,
He better not stray far.
I’ve got my shotgun loaded,
This dragon will propose.
I won’t have my grandchildren,
Grow up in a broken home.
I’ll blow that dragon’s wings off,
I’ll stake him to the ground!
By gosh, he’ll marry my Mercedes,
Or I swear I’ll hunt him down!
Why, that scaly rapscallion,
No sooner done than gone!
He’s flown away whilst I mused
Of grandchildren playing on the lawn!
The heartless brute,
The cad!
Abusing my Mercedes,
Oh, that makes me mad!
I’ll skin him for the leather,
I’ll flay him for the sport!
I’ll find his hidden cavern,
And demand child support!
But wait, what’s this?  Another?
Another dragon on my stoop?
My Mercedes is a hussy!
She’s played me for a dupe!
Yes, I see them now,
Making circles in the sky.
Dragons!  Dragons!  Dragons!
Just waiting for a try!
I’ll rip her slutty wheels off,
I’ll put her up on blocks!
I’ll cancel her insurance,
And park her at the docks!
I’ll replace her posh interior
With leopard printed Pleather!
I’ll put her into storage
And leave her there forever!
Argh!  Another dragon!
My Mercedes honks her horn!
I never would have thought
My car would be in porn.
Oh, what shall I do?
The neighbor’s are sure to see.
It’ll be all over the internet
By twenty-five to three.
I guess it’s up to me…

Local author George Sigmund, well known for his colorful children’s stories which blend old-fashioned fairy tales with modern and futuristic themes, was arrested today after blowing up a car in the parking lot of the downtown night club, The Dragon’s Den.  Mr. Sigmund reportedly threatened numerous club-goers with a shotgun while ranting about exploitation of innocent machinery by reptilian pimps…
In other news,  the porn world is grieving today over the death of legendary star, Mercedes Bends.  Her body was found late last night by a janitor cleaning the set of her latest film, “The Beast In Me.”  Authorities have stated it appears to be a suicide, though they have yet to rule out the possibility of foulplay.
 Meanwhile, feminist groups across the country are rallying behind a new, masked leader, one who has taken the Mercedes automobile symbol as her logo.  Though she has so far managed to remain anonymous, she referred to the tragic death of Ms. Bends in a speech given at a public rally earlier today, claiming, “This sad event vindicates my belief that women in the porn industry are more likely to die young…”
She went on to call for militant action against the draconic film-makers who prey on the low self-esteem of young women and make these sorts of tragedies possible…

When Knickers Attack

A jinx upon the sinks of washer-women, everywhere!
I am entranced by wonder when the thunder rolls, but
Their laundry lines of underwear are likewise captured;
Drawn by the masculine grip of the storm to perform
The wind-tossed dance of freedom.
How am I to enjoy
Nature playing with her toys
When in the tempest there departs
The underthings of the little tart
(Who hangs her laundry on the line
In the backyard next to mine)
And they come flying over the shed
To settle themselves upon my head?
I ask you, how am I to revel
With the fork-tailed lightning devil
When he displays his majesty
If her lacy things are molesting me?
It should qualify as a crime
The way she steals my precious time!
So a jinx upon that little minx
And all the washing in her sinks!

Published in: on August 18, 2009 at 12:02 am  Comments (3)  
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